Everything Changes

The day my husband died everything changed. People told me my life would forever more be defined as life before and life after his death. So far that has proven to be the most true thing I’ve heard. Every single thing changed. Some of the things that changed were my appetite, I quit biting my nails (after biting them my entire life), I started shaving my legs way more regularly, I stare (a lot, at nothing), I get sad without realizing it, my temper is a little shorter, I love a lot harder, empathize in a way I never knew I had in me, crave attachment, crave human contact, treasure every relationship I have like they are what give me oxygen, allowed some relationships to fizzle out, accepted that other relationships would forever be changed, realized how the people I love love, just to name a few.

I think the biggest change I noticed was in relationships. It took me a long time to realize that the reason each and every relationship I had changed was because I am forever changed. I am not the person I was when I was Jason’s wife. I had always heard how surprising it is who fizzles out, and who shows up at your darkest moment. accepting that this is part of the process was not easy. Then you throw a worldwide pandemic in the mix and relationships really become different. I’ve always known people are put in my life for a reason and sometimes just a season, and I believe this now more than ever.

I had friends I just knew would hold me up and get me through who barely showed up, I had friends who I didn’t even consider as part of my support system turn into the strongest pillars I had to lean on. I had one friend who I went to concerts with who told me she would check on me every day and here we are 15 months later, and she still checks on me almost every single day, unless one of us is out of town. She has sent a text, called, FaceTimed, Marco poloed, sent letters, you name it she’s done it. We were friends for 4 years before and have become the best of friends ever since. She is someone I will always remember as being the one who never gave up on me. She never judged me, was always willing to listen, was gracefully honest, encouraged me to grieve, and is always there. There are not enough words available to describe how forever thankful and grateful I am for her.

Another person who stepped up beyond what I expected was my mom. She helps me with the kids regularly. Letting them spend the night usually twice a month, having us for dinner regularly, watching one while I take the other to an appointment, and anything else she can do to help. I am so thankful to have such amazing women supporting me.

What have you noticed changed the most for you? We’re there changes your were expecting or changes you were surprised by?

Published by Widowmama

I am a young widow, and mother of 2 young children. I currently stay at home, and I am learning to navigate life through a worldwide pandemic, as an unemployed solo parent. Bring it on 2020!

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